Slowly as time goes on - the loop

How can I be happy when I'm left with the same feelings over and over?
How can I be happy when I constantly need a filler to survive?
How can I be happy when I constantly need to fill the cracks with temporary solutions?
How can I be happy when I don't even recognize me.
The kid that used to love trains and Ben 10 watches and cartoons at grandma's with a bowl of chocos bigger than my stomach could hold.
Left over milk in the bowl, satisfied bellies looking forward to the outside adventures.
Video games and losses that taught the lesson to never give up. To try and try again and again and
Again.
Until one day, you just win. And then you do your best to turn that into another win. And another. And another.
The usual lunch and nerf fort battles for snack.
Waiting for grandma to get free, then playing with her to end the night.
Days at aunt’s playing outside.
Cousins laughing, playing, being kids
But for me, evaporation.
Slowly, as time goes on, I fade more and more away.
Lonely nights in my room, music in my ears, sadness in my heart. Slowly more and more fading, fading, fade.
A mere spectator to this disastrous turn of events unfolding before our very own eyes.
A soul trapped, begging for help, but to no avail no one can hear behind these close doors. Locked away in this house.
Forever looking on as the empty shell that use to be me,
Roams the halls. Wreaking havoc
And the only thing I can do, is watch.
And the brief moments that I'm released from my prison to get sunshine, are the moments after destruction has come and gone. Left watching the loved ones hurt, shake their heads.
Walking in the rubbish left by this tornado. Wishing that I could just go back into that prison and not have to face this
And so I do.
Locked away, once again.
And this cycle continues, over and over.
Until one day…
You just wake up, and don't wanna do it anymore. The anxiety filled situations in public settings, the rapidly attacking depression in the night.
The tiring cycle over and over. When does it end? No one knows. But that light
That ever so far light, bright in the distance
Is somehow enough to keep the hope alive
The hope that one day, one day maybe,
Just maybe
It'll all
End.

     

 

 

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