ERROR;;;

Error. I keep hearing that word, keep repeating it in my head. Overloads are errors, feeling alone is an error, talking to myself (queue irony) is an error... so many errors. I think I started this two or so years ago; that is, I started interrupting myself in my head just to tell me to stop. Stop thinking about what you don't want to think about or stop being so self-destructive or stop reminding me that you are the only one I have to talk to. Stop being weird, you know this isn't normal, right? 

I think there was a time when it was helpful. I remember times when I could go for two straight hours in a circle on how lonely I was and how there was no hope for me. It was already better before I instituted error-checking, but error-checking was the solution. If I don't like thinking in a particular way, then condition my mind to "throw an error" when it detects that process. At first, it was voluntary, until it slowly but surely became involuntary. Now, I'll hear "ERROR" essentially echo through my head, and I can barely remember what I had in mind beforehand.

It was cool at first. I already liked the idea of pretending to be a robot, a computer. Now, it concerns me. The ringing "ERROR" almost hurts as much as whatever I was avoiding in the first place. It's an indictment of my sanity, that something separate within me has been appointed to scramble my head whenever I go astray of myself. The echo is like a taunt now.

I miss the time when I didn't have to avoid things within myself, when I cared just enough for everything to work but not so much that I was tearing myself down. I need to balance my books in that regard, get myself back to just enough self-loathing that I don't have to hate myself when I'm idle.

Gotta balance the books.