CHAOTIC ORDER

Staring at the sight of an eternal abyss, the abyss dark and cold, raspy voice calling out to me saying that letting go will release the pain. Despair pushed me closer, as the cold breeze on my skin made my heart colder. Sitting on the edge, I started feeling some kind of relief closer within my reach. Should I just relax within the darkness that my mind desperately calls out to?

Should I just let myself go, let my body float with ease?

I started falling deep into the abyss. Warm life dripping away, down my arm to the bottomless

despair, as I ask myself, How long can I hold on, to not fully drop?

Then something struck me, a memory - All our life believing in what we see, relying on what we know, but in the end, we know nothing at all. Like our life is just hanging up a wall, till it breaks and we come to understand our place and meaning. What it truly means to be breathing, Walking around talking, feeling, learning and sleeping, Developing talents and skills, executing tasks and drills, physically and mentally, I thought how was this soul sent to me and became the consciousness of this body, as I was falling deeper, embodying empathy, while I will die with not left in me, like my will to live is fading out, I scream and shout at my own mistakes, like why won’t my issues take a break, I don’t want to go out, but I have to fight it every day, I will find a reason to go and stay on the same day.

Thinking about the memory, for as long as I can remember, I have blundered through constructing a legible semblance of my life narrative. I thought that's what happens when you coast through life, disconnecting from emotional stirrings that otherwise would tether you to their eventual memories. This is why the feeling of nostalgia is potent for me - a backstreet detour to re-arrive at the past, but re-imagined by a mind and body that's unable to grasp what was there. It's a sweet consolation for the gaps in space and time. Nostalgia more than patches up those gaps, it's an epiphany that the past, as I know it, has come to an end, signaling movement, forwards, backward, sideways, but movement nonetheless. Then a happy thought hit me - going out in the warm rain with my sister in our matching rain boots. She had a pink cat one and I had a green frog one and how much I wish I could relive that and all the fond memories started rushing in, I couldn’t help but smile even after knowing I don’t have much time left. I wondered why can’t time just stay the same. Could I just hold onto today? No time won't wait, it will leave you behind until nothing remains. 

The present is just the future’s past, memories only serve, to remind you that the things we deserve, existence is a curse, cause death is a fact.

The realization...

As the abyss devoured me, I thought maybe I made some grave errors, maybe I chose the wrong path. But when I look back on all of the people that I have met along this journey and the lessons that they have thought me, I realize though the path is long, arduous, and lonely, it is indeed the one worth taking, wherever it may lead me.

I am nothing in the heart of the universe, the dust of a thousand tiny things and dew from

hundreds of mornings, planets larger than the depths of any human mind, galaxies spin dances that cannot conceivably produce thread, my chest is bare, my heart is bare, I haven’t grasped it yet, and each one of us reflects the world around us, and I occupy the blink of a galaxy and yet it wouldn’t be the same without me, sun rays travel distances that we can never comprehend, I hope for you and for the little things around us.

Now I sit alone in this familiar darkness, and it feels like home to me, a voice said “The abyss

welcomes you once more”.